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The Ultimate Training Secret

Illuminatti SymbolOk, here’s the thing.  For years I’ve said that there are no training secrets that it’s just hard work plus genetics plus time plus a few other things.  But it’s time to come clean: I’ve been lying.  There are training secrets.  I mean true training secrets, guarded closely by the Illuminatty, and only shared with those who have achieved the 32nd degree of Clean Eating.

This is where you become so morally pure through your superior life choices (and self-righteously judging all those that don’t follow them) that you can survive on light and air (NOTHING is less processed).  You develop the ability to synthesize ATP from sunlight and fix nitrogen from the air like a plant; simply standing outside equals growth at this point.  Few achieve it but for those that do, there is no limit.

But having concluded that the Illuminatty is really a false Illuminatty, and that I and only I carry the true word of Arnold, I will now share with you the two most truly powerful training approaches ever yet devised to generate all of the mass, strength, symmetry, leanness that you could ever want: the ultimate training secret.   Now this aren’t the same alternative training and nutritional theories I introduced you to previously.  Those were an obvious joke. But this time I’m totally seriously, you guys.

Cartman I'm Seriously

Now, don’t ask me for science.  This transcends research.  In any case, science doesn’t have all of the answers and I have literally hundreds of emails that support what I’m going to tell you about.  These concepts exist at the TOP OF THE EVIDENCE PYRAMID.

Hierarchy of Evidence

Science might catch up a decade or two from now but that is how it goes with the ancient teachings.  As above, so below. And with that I introduce you to two, ancient and yet also new, training concepts that you can combine to reach the pinnacle of physical perfection.

A S.U.P.E.R. Training Secret

The first training secret goes by the acronym of SUPER which stands for Smartphone Undulatory Progressive Exercise and Rest.  It is a formalization of what I have seen recently in my gym which is people endlessly dicking around with their smart phones for 5′ between their half-effort work sets (SUPER can also stand for Smartphone Uselessly Pointless and Extended Rest-intervals).  But I am simply formalizing the concept.

Now you may or may not be familiar with the concept of undulating periodization.  A current training fad it refers to training types where, rather than focusing on a single repetition range, or moving progressively from one range to another across a training cycle, a combination of repetition ranges are used throughout the week.

So you might do 12’s on Monday, 5’s on Wednesday and 8’s on Thursday.  Or 5’s, 3’s and 1’s.  Or whatever.  Pick 11’s, 7’s and 3’s to utilize the Power of the Primes for all it matters.  Pick a Fibonacci sequence (5’s, 8’s, 13’s for example) to do the Golden Mean workout.  Do you even maths, bro?

And I recommend that you use the same type of approach with your approach to SUPER. Undulate through the week exactly how you are dicking around on your phone when you should be lifting.  So Monday make sure to use your phone for 180 seconds between sets.  On Wednesday, keep it to 60 seconds.  On Friday, 120 seconds.  Mix it up, shock the system.

If you don’t like using time, send 12 texts between sets on Monday, 5 texts on Wednesday and 8 texts on Friday or text however many friends you have left since you’re at the gym all the damn time and have become a social pariah.  Let your training intuition be your guide here.  Wisdom of the body, bro.

Of course, this has to be progressed over time.  You might add 10 seconds or one text to each workout per week and when you hit some upper range (i.e. 15 texts Monday, 8 on Wednesday, 11 on Friday), it’s time to increase the INTENSITY of your texts.

USE ALL CAPS.  More “!!!!”  EMOJI!!!  I recommend increasing intensity for 3 weeks and then doing nothing but light active recovery texting in the 4th week.  Don’t spell out words, use “u” instead of “you” and “4” instead of “for”.  Gotta give your thumbs, mind and phone a break for supercompensation to occur.  I know that the body can ADAPT TO ANYTHING but you gotta build up gradually to this.  This approach not only shocks the system but keeps your smartphone guessing so that adaptation never ceases.

Accumulate your texts, intensify your texts, realize that you spend more time on your phone than freaking training.  It is the path to greatness.

S.U.P.E.R.: Smartphone Undulatory Progressive Exercise and Rest

Now while the S.U.P.E.R. program is perfect on it’s own, we can make it more perfecter by adding it to a training approach that I have talked about before.

The F.A.P. Training Secret

To make SUPER truly shine, I suggest combining it with FAP which is the Facebook Anabolic Principle.  Recent research has clearly found that if you don’t tell Facebook (and Instagram I guess, this article was written a while back) about your training, either before, during or after, you completely lose the anabolic effect.  That’s why narcissists grow better.

Forget about whey, forget about insulin, forget about BCAA: if you don’t publicly tell everyone that you are going to, are currently or just CRUSHED your workout or KILLED it or went BEASTMODE, you don’t adapt.   You don’t grow.  You don’t lose fat. Know why you don’t see any great bodybuilders out of third world countries?  No smartphones to get on Facebook.  It’s science.

Now to even increase the effectiveness of FAP you need to make it progressive or FAPP.  We will call this, of course, FAPPing and you need to ease into peri-workout FAPPing gradually.   What I would recommend is first deciding where to start, like SUPER you have to ease into FAPPing.

Do you want to tell Facebook that you are about to CRUSH it, selfie from the gym while you are CRUSHING it or just wait until afterwards to show your swoleness AFTER you crush it?  Pick one and do that for a week or two to build work capacity in broad and modal FAPPing domains.  Once you’ve adapted, you can add the other parts of peri-workout FAPPing.

So say you started with the pre-workout FAP, telling Facebook that you are going to the gym (or are in the locker room) about to CRUSH your workout or go BEASTMODE.  In two weeks, add a post-workout FAP.  Post-workout right after you are done that you are drinking your post-workout shake (now obsolete) FAP to let the world know that you just CRUSHED it.  Or KILLED it. Or just went BEAST MODE.  Mix it up, keep shocking the system with your FAPPing to avoid accommodation.  CRUSH it, KILL it, DESTROY it.   MANGLE it.  MAUL it.  Hell, MAUDE it you think you’re bad enough.

Once that gets easy, it’s time to add the third aspect of peri-workout FAPPing, add an intra-workout FAP (this is only for advanced trainees).  Take one or two selfies (and of course this can be done as you apply SUPER) during your workout and make an update about how you are currently CRUSHING IT! (because why would you actually be focusing on, I dunno, training at the gym) to complete the system.  That’s right, to get the maximal effect you need to FAP before, FAP during and FAP after the workout.  Now you’re FAPPing.   But now you have to be progressive.

You can progress this by going from CRUSHING it or KILLING it to TOTALLY CRUSHING/KILLING or ABSOLUTELY CRUSHING/KILLING it.  Beginners go BEASTMODE, you go TOTAL BEASTMODE.  But use these sparingly or you may get hurt (or just chafe from excessively intense FAPPing, consider using straps if your grip fails).

Now, when you get to truly elite levels, it’s time to get serious.  Now you will need to do a pre-pre workout FAP.  Put it about 3 hours out, Instagramming your pre-workout meal and sharing it to FB.   If you’re a hot female, Instagram your food/your butt (if you are a dude, do NOT Instagram your butt; do biceps instead).  Now you’re FAPPing 4 times around your workout.

Finally there is the post-post workout FAP.  Two to three hours after you CRUSHED it/KILLED it/went BEASTMODE, again Instagram your food/your butt (women only) and share it to FB.  You work hard, everyone should know how dedicated and extreme you are because everyone should care utterly about your workouts and eating habits.  It’s science.

By the end of it all you should be FAPPING a minimum of 5 times around every workout for maximum results.  FAP 3 hours out, FAP immediately before CRUSHING it, FAP while you are going BEAST MODE, FAP after you got done KILLING It, and FAP again 2-3 hours later to finish things off.

Advanced tactics: You get a slightly more anabolic effect if you add #crushedit or #killingit or #beastmode or manage to work in that you do IIFYM (#flexibledieting, #IIFYM) while eating what are really clean foods to show your superior nutritional knowledge.  But save that for when you #plateau, you #narcissist.

And That’s That

And now you know the secrets of the Illuminatty:

If you’re not SUPER FAPPING, you’re not going to reach your goals.


Check the date before you get all freaked in the comments.  I mean I am totally serious.  But still…

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12 thoughts on “The Ultimate Training Secret

  1. great and informative article however if u do the S.U.P.E.R. and the FAB with no deloading will it cause overtraining?! thank u lyle

  2. Brilliant article. Totally on point. Lyle rocks.

  3. Lol! “Fapping a minimum of five times around every workout”…Hell I do that on off-days.

  4. Super! Love you Lyle!

  5. lyle – do you think that pro bodybuilders use Facebook? I want to compete, but am worried about the risks associated with it, such as testicular shrinkage, or being ‘groomed’ by creepy guys.

  6. Lyle I think you forgot about a really vital element of the FAP. The pre-FAP warm up. This involves dreaming up right on hashtags that demonstrate to the world your moral superiority gained from spending all your time in the gym e.g. #achievingmydreams #whatsyourexcuse #iveconfusednarcicismwithselfimprovement. Add those in and you’ll reach a state of beastmode nirvana (until you get injured, it all turns to flab and you realise you confused being fit with having a purpose in life)

  7. There’s no denying this article reveals powerful training protocols that I’d formerly believed were only known by trainees here in the gyms around Los Angeles. But I can’t help but think it’s an refreshed article from the archives of this very site- circa 2003 when these protocols were P.U.P.E.R. and MAP, for “pager,” and “MySpace” respectively. And instead of going BEASTMODE, it was ‘going all CHUMBAWUMBA.’

  8. Fuck i got excited there for a second. I even went and thought “am i ready to hear this secret? What if i have not reached my fotness pinnacle and mess it up and let this power slowly destroy me from within?!?!?”

  9. Best article ever written.

  10. utter genius Lyle. you should branch out into feature-length satire more often

  11. It would only be satire if stupider things weren’t argued far more seriously than my nonsense.

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