Comments on: People Do It Because We Let Them: Part 4

By: lylemcd

lylemcd — Fri, 29 Jul 2011 14:09:31 +0000

RG: If someone says they want to make the Olympics or Olympic trials and be an elite athlete and then shows up 20% of the time, their words do not match their actions. If the coach coddles their belief that they can achieve their stated goals by doing that and allows it, he is doing himself, them and his other athletes (who are being negatively impacted by the fuckups) no favors.

If on the other hand they say “I want to skate for fun” they can do whatever they want and it won’t bother me in the least.

Frankly, I give a damn what anybody does unless it impacts on me directly and in this case it was doing so. Not to mention the general concept which you seem to have missed completely.

So what you think I said and what I actually said are not the same thing. Understand the distinction?

By: RG

RG — Mon, 18 Jul 2011 19:13:33 +0000

“So why would they magically stop doing it?” Maybe you can explain the error of my thought process, but when I look at the bottom 20% of my class, I tend to assume “there’s something else going on here”. Their performance improves when the other stresses in their lives get dealt with, and at some level my job right then is to keep them from falling completely off the radar. I agree the teacher has a responsibility not to let the other people suffer, but I do think there’s a purpose in inclusivity, in acknowledging that people’s investment in anything ebbs and flows. Chronic lateness is a typical example – I’ve had classes and jobs where it fit my schedule and lifestyle, and other ones where I was jumping through 5 hoops and 10% of the time I missed one of them and was 10-15 minutes late. I did end a 10-year hobby due to a coach who decided to take the hard-ass approach about this; I’m not getting paid to be there, it’s something that gets slotted in between my career and exams and family, it would have cost her nothing to be inclusive and it seemed like more of an ego trip than anything meaningful. Do people who are 75% or 90% committed add nothing to your sport?

By: Alec

Alec — Mon, 18 Jul 2011 14:38:22 +0000

Hey Lyle,

I have only recently discovered your blog, and what a find it is! You touch on a lot of great points in these four sections, and I have learned a lot.

Another point I would add in the ‘Doing The Wrong Thing for (Seemingly) the Right Reasons’ section is that a person doesn’t want to call someone on their BS because they themselves do that very same thing. As an example, when a friend/SO/client flakes on a scheduled meeting; if the person being flaked on is a flake themselves, there would be a large amount of guilt that could prevent them from putting their foot down. Calling out another person on their behavior would be putting a mirror up to their own actions.

I have had moments like the above, and not only have I been able to rid myself of bad influences, but those moments have influenced positive change in myself.

Looking forward to your next entry!

-Alec

By: Deborah

Deborah — Sun, 17 Jul 2011 23:49:24 +0000

Lyle I needed this advice 20 years ago! You could have saved me some therapy bills and years of grief.. I was just discussing the “shit test” – not realizing that’s what it was – with a friend who found they could justify/accept being stood up early on in a relationship because “oh well they weren’t serious yet’. I disagreed wondering why on earth would it be acceptable to get stood up and yet your willing to continue a relationship with someone willing to blow you off. I was however guilty of failing the “shit test” myself for many years…. Thanks I plan to print and reread often…

By: Jens

Jens — Sat, 16 Jul 2011 08:19:07 +0000

Very interesting indeed. I have only skimmed the earlier installments in the series but will read them now.

When it comes to putting your foot down regarding someone elses obnoxious behavior towards you, your anger (which is how we draw personal boundary lines) needs to be appropriate and have the necessary intensity to make the other person stop. However you can either be too submissive or overly angry about a slight remark from a person. It can be quite the fine line sometimes, when people consciously are trying to push your buttons.

If you give in and laugh at yourself too often people get away with treating you exactly how they want. If you instead always put up a no-bullshit facade, you might come across as someone with bad social skills (unless you’re famous, and can be how much of a hard ass you want without people calling you out on it) and who’s insecure about people poking him a bit.

The intensity of anger needed for a given slight, I find interesting.

By: Martin

Martin — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 17:44:22 +0000

Hi Lyle
A riviting post. i looked forward to reading it each day. It is one of those pieces that make so much sense so clearly that you wonder why you did not know all this a long time ago. I guess that is how wisdom works.

Maybe there are some cases in which the options are harder. For example, one side of a relationship may find the behaviour of the other side unacceptable, but there are children involved, and if the ‘good’ party goes they would suffer. So sometimes one may choose to make the best of it.

However, this takes nothing away from what you have said. In fact, it may still be possible for someone in such a situation to make use of what you have presented in this post.

Martin.